Sunday, October 23, 2011

Did I Forget To Mention...

I'm participating in the Love Makes a Family blog carnival and the theme this time is "Secrets".

I feel like there is a secret that I don't ever mean to have - but I sometimes inadvertently keep.  When I'm one of 10-20 moms chasing after a toddler at the playground (or a music class or in the pediatrician's waiting room) and I'm dressed in jeans and t-shirt with comfortable walking shoes and my hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail.  I'm everymom.  I look a lot like most of my peers.  (Ok, maybe some are thinner or better dressed - but I usually fit right in in the "mom crowd".)  I blend in and can slip into the common small-talk we so often connect over - napping, eating, pottying.  The thing is, unless it's a familiar group that I'm regularly friendly with - until it comes up, no one knows I'm a lesbian. 

I've been out a long time.  Like REALLY out.  jb likes to joke that I was BDOC (big dyke on campus) in college.  I shaved my head, wore t-shirts with things like "No one knows I'm a lesbian" written on them, and I was president of the campus LGBT group. After college I made a career of being queer by working at LGBT organizations. 

I realize that coming out is a never-ending process - but I'm still surprised when a fellow mom is caught off-guard by the revelation that I'm queer.  I spent so long living in predominantly LGBT circles that I forget that the natural assumption is that everyone you encounter (especially if they look downright boring and have a toddler in tow) is straight.   I'm lucky to still run in a pretty progressive crowd, so I'm rarely met with a negative reaction - just a quick adjustment of thinking; a reframing of me in their head. 

It's just a quick reminder that we are still "other" - and in that in a lot of ways that means unequal.  That jb has to adopt her own son.  That even though jb's job offers health insurance for our family we still have to fill out extra forms, "document" our relationship and pay tax on the insurance as income.  It's also a reminder of how fortunate we are that in our particular situation we don't usually face physical harm or harassment - unlike so many other LGBT parents around the country. 

You can read more posts for this blog carnival here.


  1. Kara Sanders10/24/2011

    Thanks for sharing this. It definitely is a never ending cycle of coming out... I like to think/hope that when people do find out that I'm gay that they'll think "WOW! She's normal... huh.". You know, because we are. Anywho, maybe we can change (some) people's mindset in that way.

  2. Kara Sanders10/24/2011

    Humm... just realized my blog name didn't pop up. If you want to read it, it's . :)

  3. I slip by too! Someone asked Ash what her type was. After thinking about it she said, "My wife. No one knows she's gay unless she's with me!"

  4. Stephanie Telep10/24/2011

    Can you pass the Jelly? know...because I'm gay.

  5. I love this. This is something that I regularly encounter, as I'm sure we all do. So glad you voiced it!

  6. Jill Pollack10/24/2011

    Me too!

  7. yep, yep and yep. The asumption is always that I am straight. Thats one reason why I love going out as a family because there is no need to say anything, everyone knows we are together :)

  8. Great post and yes, I experience this regularly as well.

  9. I can't believe it took me this long to read this. Since I'm coming out to everyone all over again, I can definitely relate. Holly gets the same thing too. We always assume the cute ones are straight...