Something I'm Afraid Of

"Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you." -Baby in Dirty Dancing

Babies Against Budget Cuts

Something I'm afraid of.  There's really no shortage of things I'm afraid of.  I have an unexplained fear of driving.  I'm not a big fan of bugs and rodents.  Motherhood has tapped into a whole new level of fear and anxiety.  At the same time, I don't consider myself someone who lives in fear.  Yeah, ok my heart will jump into my throat if I get behind the wheel, or a spider crawls near me, or Leo topples while attempting his daredevil acrobatics - but it's momentary.  It passes.  It doesn't keep me up at night.


If I had to identify a fear that really gets deep and stays with me, it would have to be the power grab happening in politics that is resulting in eroding benefits and protections for women, immigrants, workers, LGBT people, people of color, the environment and basically every citizen in our country.  I keep trying to reword that sentence so it doesn't sound melodramatic, but there's really no way to sugar coat it.  It's truly terrifying. Especially with a child who will grow up in this world.

I suppose the best we can do is make sure we are doing our part to keep the good good and work to make the bad better.  For years it was my (paying) job to work against these attacks (and it's still jb's job), but now that I'm no longer a professional activist and instead an every day constituent, I'm doing my best to make sure I'm still engaged in making this neighborhood/state/country/world the kind of place I want Leo to grow up in.

In Leo's almost 11 months on this earth he has been to at least a dozen rallies, sat on my lap while I one-handedly typed out letters to our representatives, been to the voting booth twice, and were it not for an ill-timed flat tire, would have marched on Washington.  At this point he has very little awareness of what's going on, but I hope he comes to understand why we do these things and wants to continue our family tradition of being in the trenches of the fight for justice. 

Here he is clapping along with the crowd at a rally in support of teachers:

When it comes to most of my fears I just avoid them.  I don't drive.  I have my brave husband (or brother in law) take care of the occasional pest.  I keep Leo out of dangerous situations.  But as far as the fear of systematic discrimination and oppression, I feel like I need to face it head on and actively fight against it.  Also scary, but the only way I can sleep at night.