Monday, November 5, 2012

Pittsburgh Zoo Tragedy: Empathy Vs. Judgement

I feel like lately I've been surrounded by tragic stories involving the death of young children.  There was the nanny that slayed two of her charges in Manhattan (the precious two year old lost shares a name with my own precious two year old), the mother that had her 2 year old and 4 year old swept away in the flooding of hurricane Sandy (not even a hundred miles from here), two friends have recently lost toddlers (one to a drowning accident and one never woke up in the morning without explanation), and most recently, a two-year old was mauled after falling into an exhibit at the Pittsburgh Zoo.

Each of these stories has affected me deeply.  I've been reminded of how lucky I am, cried tears for these families and held my own children a bit tighter.

When I heard about the accident at the Zoo I read article after article and read through the many, many comments left on their Facebook page.  I couldn't help but think of the times I'd been there with my own family - at that same zoo...at that same exhibit.  As I read through the thousands of comments, I kept seeing comments popping up questioning the mother.  Where was she?  Why wasn't she watching him?  Why would she hoist him up on the railing?  (She had been holding him up over the railing to see into the exhibit and he fell in.)

Perhaps it is irresponsible to place a child on the railing of an animal exhibit.  Perhaps this tragedy could have been avoided.  Perhaps this isn't the time for those admonishments.  

Accidents happen.  Horrific, awful things that could have been prevented happen and the correct human response is compassion.  I'm not saying you can't ever ask questions - but hours after this kind of unspeakable tragedy when very few facts about the circumstances are available?  Outside of a law enforcement investigation I think anything beyond empathy and condolences is inappropriate.

There have been plenty of times that I have been focusing my full attention on watching Leo and he has still fallen or gotten hurt.  There have also been times that I have been distracted (by Zoe, a conversation, having to go the bathroom - you name it) and he has gotten into mischief or wandered out of sight.  And I won't deny there have been times that I have made questionable decisions that inadvertently put my child in danger (forgetting to fasten the straps on the stroller, walking into the street as I check for cars rather than after) - and I've either noticed my mistake in time or been very lucky.   In fact, when I looked back at my post from when I took Leo to the Pittsburgh Zoo last year I was aghast to see a picture of him perched on the rail of the giraffe exhibit.  Needless to say I will never do that again.  And I was wrong when I thought I'd never be so careless.

It's human nature to judge others - and parenting seems to be especially prone to judgement.  I know I catch judgmental thoughts creeping in.  I forget I'm prone to being human, too.  It's easy to get distracted.  It's possible to not think things through.  It's often that we, parents, are tired.  It's hard to keep in mind that at the zoo (which has a feeling of safety and fun) that you are mere feet from wild animals.  I guarantee this mother will think about that decision to pick her child up for a better view for the rest of her life.

Maybe it is a defense mechanism to cast blame.  If she was at fault, then it couldn't happen to you.  You would never be so irresponsible...your child will never suffer the same fate.

I know that my two beautiful children are safely asleep in their beds right now not because I'm a fantastic mother who has never made a misstep, but because fortune has smiled upon me.  Shame on anyone who upon hearing that a mother lost her child in a gruesome accident, their first reaction was to point a finger at her.  I hope she and her family are finding some peace in each other.  And I hope that perhaps her story keeps the same fate from befalling another child.  Perhaps even my own.

12 comments:

  1. These words: "I know that my two beautiful children are safely asleep in their beds right now not because I'm a fantastic mother who has never made a misstep, but because fortune has smiled upon me. " So so true. I feel the same way (and take in those stories with the same intent). Thank you for this.

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  2. So true. I wrote a similar post about the movie theater shooting this year, and about it being a defense mechanism. My first reaction to this zoo story was judgement until I realized where it was coming from. It's hard to admit that horrible things COULD happen to *your* family.

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  3. I think you hit the mail on the head when you suppose that pointing a finger is a defense mechanism--protecting parents from a similar fate. And while I agree with you that it's inappropriate to point a finger at this time, I think your shaming language about what might be knee-jerk human nature response for scared parents does not match the level of compassion and empathy you are showing for the mother. I would hope that just as you can be forgiving and understanding of a parental misstep that resulted in tragedy, you could also be forgiving and understanding of a parental misstep that resulted in an instance of poor taste.

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  4. I think you hit the mail on the head when you suppose that pointing a finger is a defense mechanism--protecting parents from a similar fate. And while I agree with you that it's inappropriate to point a finger at this time, I think your shaming language about what might be knee-jerk human nature response for scared parents does not match the level of compassion and empathy you are showing for the mother. I would hope that just as you can be forgiving and understanding of a parental misstep that resulted in tragedy, you could also be forgiving and understanding of a parental misstep that resulted in an instance of poor taste.

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  5. Yes, the movie theater shooting. I was wracking my brain to remember the story a bit further back that evoked these same feelings. That was exactly it. So sad.

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  6. Thank you for writing this, Sandra. This zoo story evoked so many feelings in me, mostly the same as you. I especially appreciate your statement that perhaps this is not the right time for those admonishments. Everything you said is right on and it helped me think through my emotions on this story and this topic. xoxoxo

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  7. So, so, so true. We all often act with judgement: but who among us has not done something so reckless or ridiculous? LUck, randomness and all the rest plays into this accidents. thank you for sharing and reminding us all to forgive instantly and comfort first.

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  8. I agree, if we can place the blame then we won't have that tragedy happen. I'm guilty myself of wondering why the mom did it. This made me pause and rethink WHY I would be so quick to assign blame rather than feel the pain the mom is going through.

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  9. Sarah Hughes11/05/2012

    It's just so sad, I didn't know this story till now. Immediatly I thought, why wasn't the mother watching but I know my kids get out of control, one runs on way and the other climbs up on something. I feel for the mother...so awful

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  10. Kathy Whitham11/08/2012

    beautifully said...yes, I believe it is our fear that the unimaginable could happen and empathy for the unimaginable grief of a parent losing a child that makes us react with judgement as a way of feeling we have control somehow...in the face of this I choose love over fear and to focus on gratitude for what I have...and that both because AND in spite of me, my children are beautiful adults.

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  11. THANK YOU for writing this - and for writing it so well. It was horrifying to learn of the pain this little boy and his family suffered but seeing to see FB posts and articles placing blame on the mother/parents/witnesses was beyond belief! All parents make mistakes, and those of us who go by unscathed should be grateful for how fortunate we are, as you said.

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  12. Victor Grauer11/11/2012

    So the murder of a two year old is fine with you? You don't really care what actually happened. You just assume it was perfectly innocent. Because after all what Mom would actually do something horrible to her own child??? Good question. But sorry, there is no simple answer to that one. There is NO time like the present to investigate what looks to me like, at best, criminal negligence. And at worst: homicide. Imagine if it was a baby sitter who lifted this child up and placed him on that knife edge surface, where it was all but inevitable he'd "lose his footing" and fall into the wild dog's den. What would you be thinking THEN I wonder? Enough with the sappy "compassion" nonsense. I'll be willing to extend some compassion to this woman after she submits to some hard questioning and offers a meaningful explanation for what happened.

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