My Chat With Jaime Grayson At MommyCon

(Disclosure: I was invited to attend as a guest of MommyCon)

This past weekend MommyCon was in Philadelphia and they invited me to attend and sit down for a chat with Jaime Grayson, aka The Baby Guy.  I jumped at the opportunity because 1. Cloth diapers, babywearing, breastfeeding and natural parenting are my jam and 2. I've long admired Jaime's honest brand of baby expertise, LOVE that he's an out gay man working in the baby industry....AND is a strong (but non-judgmental) advocate for natural birth, breastfeeding and other natural parenting issues.

When I arrived at the hotel to register I knew I was in the right place because there were about a gazillion (give or take) parents (and not just mommies, as the name of the conference might imply) wearing their babies in the lobby.  Upstairs in the expo hall I was thrilled to see so many of my favorite companies and brands in one place.  There were national brands like Ergo and Motherlove as well as local businesses like Cloth, Nest, Fancy Cloth and Soapbox Holistics.

Soapbox Holistics and Fancy Cloth are companies with West Philly
roots and their products are available at Cloth.

Loved seeing Ergo represent!

Have you checked out CLOTH in South Philly, yet?

There is something really powerful about being in a space with like-minded parents.  I know I'm very lucky to have a network of parents right in my own neighborhood from which to draw insight and advice about natural parenting topics.  I spoke with some parents who travelled a long distance to be among other babywearers and breastfeeders and cloth diaperers.  I love that MommyCon is such an awesome resource and haven for people who might feel isolated in their parenting choices.  I know I made some great connections - I hope others seeking to connect did as well.

There were workshops and plenaries dedicated to natural parenting issues of all kinds - the ones I was most excited about were, of course Jaime's talk and the Normalizing Breastfeeding presentation by Jessica from The Leaky Boob.  I can't believe I was lucky enough to sit down to lunch with them (Luke's Lobster, if you were wondering) and pick Jaime's brain a bit about what it's been like for him as an openly gay man in his line of work.  Here are some highlights from our chat:

They both look adorable, and I kind of look
like a serial killer, but it's the only picture I took, so...sorry.

Do you think being gay gives you a unique perspective vs others in your field?
Absolutely.  I think it's weird to think about what the perspective is.  I'm more in touch with things than most people by nature.  I was raised by a single mom so I've always been very in tune with women.  I grew up in the south hearing in church that I was awful, so I understand what self-worth is on a different level.  So I don't know what comes from my own internal sensibilities vs. how being gay has informed my openness and acceptance of others.


Have you ever experienced discrimination because you were a gay man working with families (either homophobia from straight families or misogyny from the gay community)?

No.  I am very fortunate.  The families that have hired me have been wonderful.  I have friends who have had clients that were very demanding and awful, but because I'm a little bit more of a personality, known for being easygoing and gay, families are on board with who I am.  When I was in retail I got some flak because I don't have kids, but because I'm very opinionated and matter of fact, people know that my opinions are backed up with facts. People trust me.

Have you worked with any/many queer families? Any take aways from that experience?

Yes, it's interesting because it's made me aware of the different options out there for me should I want to start a family.  I recently worked with a gay single dad who used a surrogate. He was just the coolest guy.  When we talked for our first phone consult we talked for four hours and not about baby stuff.  We talked about life and politics and it was fun.  I love working with families that have gone through adoption or surrogacy.  They are one of my favorite family groups to work with because the energy is so different.  It's not like "Oh, we got pregnant and now we are having a kid."  It's more like, "We have worked our ASSES off to have a family."  And it's just the most special thing in the world to work with those families.

One thing I really appreciate about your work is that while you are widely known as a baby gear expert, you are also very knowledgeable about birth and breastfeeding as well.  Did you ever considered being a doula or an LC?

I was my sister's doula when my nephew was born.  I started my certification process to be a doula and I also signed up to go through the process of becoming a CLC, just for the knowledge because I thought no one would want a male lactation consultant - but I've actually have people interested.  I've gotten lots of emails asking if I could be a doula, but I just don't have time for it, unfortunately.  

I LOVE your lists of what moms and babies "need" - it wasn't "a $2,000 stroller!" but rather "a place to sleep and diapers" (with a shout out to cloth, even!).  As someone who works reviewing baby gear how do you balance that minimalist mentality with a consumer driven business?  Is it difficult to be clear about what parents need and don't really need while working well with brands?

I think brands respect me for it.  I don't have exclusivity with brands.  I work with everyone openly.  I will travel to headquarters of companies and train them on their competitors and because they know I will work the same way with every brand they like me.  It's a very open relationship I have with everybody.  They know my recommendation can't be bought and it's not something I just throw out there.  If I work with a product, regardless of price point, I make sure it's a good match for that family.

Would you like to be a parent one day? If so, how do you envision that journey?

I know I want to adopt.  Nia vardalas from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, she adopted and she wrote a book about it and it's beautiful.  I think it's one of the best books I've ever read just about parenting.  I was reading it and crying on the plane - it's just a beautiful, beautiful book.  When the time comes for me to have a family I'm very excited.  I'm also scared because I know every company on the planet with try to send me everything like they did for my sister.  I don't have a five year plan - not for work or family.  I do know that personally I don't want to do it as a single man, because I saw how hard it was for my mom.  Even if I had all the money in the world and all the support, I still think it would be hard, so I'd like to wait until I have a husband - but I'm never in town long enough to date anyone!

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Thanks to MommyCon and thanks to Jaime - I had a great time!

Weaning Heartbreak

Poor Sick Boy

I'm up late tonight pumping for the first time in almost three years. We've been quite sick around here and poor Leo has been hit the hardest. He hasn't been sleeping well and has barely been eating - today he even refused ice-cream. I think he's on the mend, but it's still rough going.

Tonight as I was putting him and Zoe to sleep, I was trying to nurse Zoe and she just wasn't interested. As I snapped my nursing tank shut, Leo said, "Can you give me some nurse?" He was laughing as he said it, but not like he was kidding - more like he knew that the answer was no.

He hasn't nursed since August. I haven't written much (ok, anything) about his weaning here because I'm not really thrilled with how it went down. You may have read about some of the challenges I had the first year of Breastfeeding after a reduction (BFAR). Then when he was 17 months old I got pregnant. We nursed throughout the entire pregnancy - through some very uncomfortable soreness and some really frustrating dry spells. It was challenging, but it was important to me to nurse him as long as possible - and I thought it would be helpful to be able to connect with him through Breastfeeding during the transition of welcoming a new baby. I had these very lovely visions of tandem nursing dancing through my head.

Zoe: Three Months

Zoe at Three Months

Our happy-go-lucky baby girl is three months old.  Three months is such an awesome age - the cusp between tiny newborn and bouncing baby.  She can keep her head up no problem, likes to always be sitting up when awake, has my father's wildly expressive eyebrows and loves to smile her crooked smile.  

She's laughed a handful of times (the first time because jb coughed - hilarious), but even though she is super smiley the laughs don't come as easily yet.  She does like it when we clap her hands for her quickly and we blalalalalala with our tongue.  

Zoe: Two Months

Length: 25.75 inches (90th percentile)
Weight: 11 lbs. 15.5 oz. (75th percentile)

That's 1 lb. 9.5 oz and 1.5 inches in 27 days!  That's my girl!  Go boobs!  Take that nervous pediatrician!  Anyway...  Here are the vital updates on the big Z-O-E:

Breaking Up With Your Pediatrician

Before we moved to Philly we had a Dr. (and office) that we loved.  They were supportive and non-alarmist about breastfeeding when Leo's weight gain was slow.  They were not just LGBT friendly, but were leading the way for trans-health in the area.  They were the birth place of the doula group I belonged to that provided free doula care to marginalized communities.  The front desk was friendly.  They were willing to talk candidly about vaccinations when we had questions.  They were the one that got away.

Zoe's Birth Story: The Longest Two-Hour Birth Story You Will Ever Read

In daddy's arms for the first time

Leading Up To The Big Day

I was shocked when I made it to my "due" date (June 21st) since I had been yapping about how sure I was that this baby was going to come early.  Oh, mother's intuition...  My sister, Larissa, had been in town for a few days already and had been helping me prepare the house for our impending arrival as well as doing fun things with Leo (since I was pretty much house-bound).  My feet were massively swollen, but I wasn't very concerned about it since the same thing had happened toward the end of my pregnancy with Leo and my blood pressure had been steady.

I had a midwife appointment on my due date (Thursday) and there was a touch of protein in my urine and my blood pressure was slightly elevated.  That combined with the swelling made her suggest stripping my membranes to (possibly) get labor going - because if I didn't have the baby in the next 48 hrs they would need to monitor my blood pressure and protein very closely.  I agreed and when she checked me she found that I was already 5 cm dilated (halfway there!) and that the baby's head was so low and pressed against my cervix that not only could she feel the head - but she could feel the baby's heartbeat through the fontanelle.  Wild.  She gave us the names of the on-call midwives for the next few days and said she'd be surprised if we weren't back before the end of the weekend.

Fifteen Months

Fifteen months.  Unbelievable.  This kid is a firecracker.  I suppose most 15 mo. olds are.  There is so much I don't want to forget about this age; how he looks toddling down the hall, the way he says certain words, how he holds out his boo-boos to me and makes kissing noises, his laugh, the look of happiness when jb gets home from work.  Here is the run down.  It's long, so maybe grab a snack. 

My No Good Very Bad Day

Today was one of those days where nothing seems to go right.  It started off ok.  Leo and I had a lovely breakfast together, pee and poo in the potty, nice playtime, and he went down for his nap without a fight.  I got him up with just enough time to get ready and go to his doctor's appointment.  This is when things began to unravel.

1.  As we were leaving I noticed the dog had thrown up.  Ew.  Poor puppy.  No time to clean it up.  She seems ok.  Out the door.  No biggie.

2.  I get distracted making "chugachugachugachuga - toot toot" train noises with Leo and miss our stop on the subway.  Need to switch directions, back track - and now hustle because my perfectly timed commute is messed up.  Eh.  Poo happens.

Just Beachy

 

Yesterday we took Leo to see the ocean for the first time.  It was amazing.  I love the ocean, and haven't been for a few years now.  Between living further from the shore in Pittsburgh and having the cafe - there just wasn't an opportunity, and I'd been missing it sorely. It was so nice to be back - but it was definitely a whole new experience with a baby in tow.  

10 Beliefs: Shaping My Parenting Philosophy

gratuitous baby bum shot

While I identify strongly with many of the principles of Attachment Parenting (complete with the cloth diapering, babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping and natural childbirth) there are also some ways that my parenting choices might differ from other AP parents.  I try to think proactively about my parenting and verbalize what my goals and hopes are.  So beyond the attachment principles, the obvious and basic (keeping him clean and fed and warm), and the end product (a happy, decent, kind man) - what do I want to guide my parenting?  I'm still figuring out the details of my parenting style, but here are some basic principles that guide my parenting choices: 

1.  I believe in having high standards for my child, but also in showing understanding, patience and compassion should he not meet them every time.  Likewise, I believe in setting lofty goals for ourselves and realizing that if we fall short we are probably still headed in the right direction. 

One Year

The party was a colossal success (despite high winds that kept trying to take our balloons, napkins, and table cloths).  The forecast had been threatening thunderstorms, so I didn't mind the wind one bit.

We rented a pavilion at the park near my parents house.  It was pretty large - housing eight picnic tables, so even if there had been rain, we could have made do.  We started off with "just" family (ha!  Between jb's family, mine, and significant others there were fifteen people) doing prep work.  It was also pretty special because it was the first time all the members of our families were in one place -and sadly will probably be the last.  All hands were on deck preparing food, picking up balloons, putting up decorations, setting up the plates and utensils, choosing music, and loading and unloading cars.

Breastfeeding: A Year In Review

As a breastfeeding mother who has had a breast reduction I had a challenging road.  Despite the setback of a reduction, I was able to exclusively breastfeed my son for six months and am still breastfeeding him now at one year. Perhaps my story can give some hope to other moms hoping to breastfeed after a reduction. 

Clark Park May Fair

 Today was one of those days that embodies what I hope I see when I look back on my life in thirty years.  The weather was amazing - sunny but not too hot.  There was a fair happening in our neighborhood park.  I walked around holding hands with my true love and laughing with my baby.  There were a ton of people out to enjoy the sunshine, music and farmers' market.  Food trucks lined the street and local organizations were engaging the community.  Leo enjoyed the live music and nursing in the sun.  We saw a few people we knew, met new people (Hi J!), and picked up some ingredients for dinner.

We went home and I cooked dinner with the back door and windows open.  We shared a family dinner, put Leo to bed and now jb and I are (barely) staying up to watch SNL and steal a little time together. 

Leo and friends enjoying Alex and the Kaleidoscope Band

I haven't been feeling well (headaches, cough and sore throat) so I wasn't expecting much out of today - and it was such a pleasant surprise. 

Sleeping Alone

I love both my bed mates dearly, and I don't regret our decision to co-sleep for a single moment (how else do people nurse babies on demand and get any sleep at all?) - but I will admit that I really miss sleeping alone.  Even though jb and I have been together for quite some time, before Leo came along, I had a fair number of nights (thanks to extensive work travel) where I slept alone.  As much as I missed jb when we were apart, I did relish having a big, clean hotel bed to stretch out in.  Although, when it was just the two of us the king size bed felt a lot bigger.  These days, stretching out is a rare luxury.  I'm always surprised at how crowded a 20 lb. person can make an otherwise comfortable bed feel. Luckily, jb is the best husband in the whole world and on the weekends takes Leo in the mornings when he wakes up and I can stretch out and sleep in all the way until his morning nap.  Best sleep I get all week!

A Picture I Love

Snapped this picture this week while Leo was nursing.  I know it's blurry and not the greatest composition, but I love the contrast of baby (nursing, playing with his foot, chub) and big boy (he's huge and wearing two piece pajamas!). 

Manifesto

Today's TDBC topic is "What you believe" and I'm going to try to be thorough but brief.

I believe people should treat each other with respect and recognize each other as human beings who deserve the same rights and responsibilities as each and every one of their fellow citizens.

Peek In My Diaper Bag

I think what someone carries around with them says a lot about them.  I carry a lot around.  Sometimes I wish I could pare down to essentials - one diaper, my phone, and wallet in a cute little purse/satchel.  Other times I imagine upgrading to a huge diaper bag where I can fit even more crap to haul around.   Currently, I'm somewhere in between using this bag:

Jetsetters

Whoa. What a trip. This post will mostly be a photobomb with minimal commentary.

Travel day.

He drank til he passed out.

Countdown

The election on Tuesday shines like beacon of hope before us. Or, less dramatically, jb is in crunch time for her job and I'm really looking forward to things slowing down post-election. It's not pretty when election season and teething season collide in the B-T household.

One thing that really comforts Leo when his gums are feeling especially sore is brushing his gums with the toothbrush that Abi got for him. Mostly he just chews on it, but I'm so grateful for anything that distracts him from the rare, but soul wrenching scream fests that teething can bring on.


Leo has also recently decided that he would like to be on his tummy at all times. He loves scooting around the house - especially towards electrical wires. Time to gear up the baby-proofing.

He wants to be on his tummy on the floor, in bed, while nursing, and (most challenging) while getting his diaper changed.


At least he takes the opportunity to be helpful and pick out his own clothes.


Up until now, I haven't really given much thought to Leo's schedule. He eats on demand, if he's tired he falls asleep, and he goes where we go. Recently though, he has been a bit pickier about things. He is easily distracted while nursing and resists falling asleep if he's not in bed - so I've had to revisit the functional chaos that has been our schedule up until now.

So I made a nap schedule and we've been aiming for three naps at day at set times for the last two days and it's been working wonderfully. First nap is about an hour and a half, then the other two are about an hour. I wake him if he goes more than 20 minutes over (which is hard to do when he's so peaceful) - and it's returned the bedtime that was inching it's way towards midnight back to 8 pm. I think he's happier and I know I love having a couple hours in the evening to myself.

I'm not sure what to do about things that fall during naptime that we like to do - like yoga, playgroup, and other things. But for now we are putting those things on hold and sticking to walks and errands between naps until he gets used to the schedule.

And now signing off, I leave you with pictures of Uncle Jared and our little tomato head. (Thanks to Lisa who made the hat!)