Bittersweet

What an intense 24 hrs.

Yesterday morning The Supreme Court released a decision that gutted the Voting Rights Act.

Last night Wendy Davis led a 13 hour filibuster that stopped a bill that would have virtually ended abortion rights in Texas.

This morning The Supreme Court declared DOMA unconstitutional and Prop 8 was struck down.

It's been a wild - and conflicted ride.

The invalidation of DOMA and Prop 8 is very moving.  I spent several weeks in CA working against Prop 8 - leading up to that very heartbreaking vote.  I witnessed the protests in the aftermath.  It was a personal fight for me even though I'm not a Californian.  And DOMA - well, obviously.  The decisions brought joy, relief, and a flood of emotion.

Still, I haven't forgotten that the same supreme court, just yesterday dismantled voting rights protections that are still so important.  Not to mention some of the other disappointing decisions handed down this week - with blows to workers rights, people of color, and indigenous people.  It's not all roses and sunshine at SCOTUS.

It was inspiring to watch Wendy Davis (literally) stand up for women - and to see the grassroots activists turn out to stop SB5.  Amazing.

But - how is this bill (and so many other bills legislating women's bodies) even being introduced?  How does it come so close to being passed?

It's hard to wrap my mind around all these highs and lows.  Today, I'm going to focus on today.  We got good news - and I had the fortune of being a room full of LGBT activists when the rulings came down.  Then I got to come home and hug my babies.  We didn't need the Supreme Court to tell us our family is legitimate - but the validation and protections these decisions will provide families like ours are so important.  So - let's celebrate, but also remember that the struggle continues.

jb, The Father Of My Children

The best thing I've ever done for my children was to choose jb as my co-parent.  No one ever doubted she'd be a phenomenal parent (kids have always been drawn to her and she has an inhuman reservoir of  patience), but still, somehow she manages to impress me everyday with how perfectly she fits the role of dad to our kids.  It's the role she was born to play and it's evident that everything she does is with our best interest in mind.  We are so freaking lucky.

Tomorrow, on Father's Day, we will wake up in a jb-less house.  She's been gone for several days already, but thankfully will be back very soon.  I was nervous to be home alone with the kids for a stretch of days.  In part because of all that jb does to keep our household running smoothly (laundry, dishes, taking the trash out, walking the dog...the list goes on and on), in part because she is a very hands-on parent (this affords me much-appreciated down time, but also makes the kids miss her terribly when she's away), in part because she pampers me (I get ice-cream delivery and foot rubs on the regular), but mostly because she's my best friend.  I miss having her around.  I miss talking with her.

Perhaps the greatest joy in my life is watching people I love as they love each other.  My parents and my kids.  Leo and Zoe.  My siblings and jb.  But the love that these kids have for their dad... it's a blessing to witness such a powerful love.  The sun rises and sets with jb for both Leo and Zoe.  Sometimes I tell myself that it's probably because jb is away at work during the day, so I don't feel slighted when they leap/squirm out of my lap and run/crawl towards the door the moment they hear jb come home.  The truth is, though, jb has earned every ounce of that love.

I've never met someone so easily able to connect with a child - and she rarely misses an opportunity to have meaningful, in depth conversations about life and the world with her three year old.  She is generous with affection, silliness and attention.  She leads by example - she models kindness and manners and work ethic and patience and unconditional love.  She makes sure, that even when her job is demanding and she has many commitments that she is seeing through, we know that we are her number one priority.

We are so lucky.  I genuinely think that anyone who has jb in their life is lucky - and we are the luckiest among the lucky.  I have great hope that our kids grow up secure in their dad's love and support - and follow in her footsteps.  I wish them the same gentle spirit and decency.  Should they choose to partner, I hope they will both seek someone who treats them as well as they've seen jb treat me and reflect that appreciation and respect back to their partner.  Should they choose to parent, I hope they will build on the foundation that jb laid and nuture their kids earnestly and enthusiastically.

I am so grateful to jb for the amazing job she does as a parent.  For sharing the work load in this monumental job.  But most of all, for the company on the journey.  Happy Father's Day my truest love.

An Agnostic's Orthodox Easter

This Sunday we celebrated Easter.  jb and I both grew up in the Orthodox church which follows the Julian calendar.  While most Christians follow the Gregorian calendar and celebrated Easter back at the end of March, Orthodox Christians are celebrating this week - and we are joining them.

I'm still figuring out what role religion plays in our lives exactly - I think for many queer people, a relationship with religion can be complicated.  Sometimes I think that I want to keep our holidays purely secular and based on celebrating the passing seasons.  I'd like to think of them as a way to maintain tradition and take advantage of the times that most of our country is celebrating.  Sometimes I want to acknowledge something bigger than this life.  I just don't always know what that is.  How much does tradition really count when you aren't sold on the premise?

For now, we are continuing to celebrate Easter/Christmas/Etc. We are doing our best to convey the beliefs behind the holidays to the kids, while also making it clear that people believe many different things and it's ok to not know exactly what you believe.  I also hope that we are modeling the ability to make traditions our own.  I'm heading up the seasonal and more secular traditions - for example dying eggs and planting our garden - and jb is taking the lead on the religious and church affairs.  (Although, we had to abort our midnight Easter service excursion this year because we made the mistake of putting pjs on the kids thinking it would be fine to wake them up at 11 to dress them in church clothes - ha.  Next year back to putting them to bed in the clothes they will wear to church.)

We spent the day at my brother-in-law's home.  The kids had an egg hunt (yes, Zoe could crawl to find some obviously placed eggs all on her own!), we shared a delicious meal, and Leo played (and won) his first game of Uno.  It was lovely.

Leo is pretty much taking holidays - all holidays - at face value.  Although he does have plenty of questions about church, which we do our best to answer.  I'm not looking forward to the day when Leo has questions about religion's role in advocating against families like ours - but I think he will be able to understand that there is good and bad in most things in this world.  We just need to seek out the good.  If the good doesn't outweigh the bad, then that's not for you.

If/When he asks why I was ok making religious based holidays and visits to church a part of our life despite not being sure what I believe and knowing that politically, the "religious" right has not been a friend of ours - I will point to the underlying message of love.  I will point to all the wonderful and kind people of faith in our lives.  I will point to the comfort belief in something bigger than yourself - whether that is god, community, or the universe - can provide. I hope he will see that those advancing hate in the name of god are the ones that are wrong.

"The Gospel message of the Resurrection is as simple as it is radical: We are called to stand for love where hatred persists, to preach compassion where injustice abounds, and to insist on dialogue where division prevails." -Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew

I Took My Kids To See Martha Graham Cracker And They Survived

The program: The biggest complaint I heard was that
Martha did not actually ride a zebra in the show

Today jb and I took Leo (2.5 yrs) and Zoe (8 mos) to a show featuring Miss Martha Graham Cracker, a beloved local drag performer.   This show was a response to a rescinded invitation from a child care center in Haddonfield, NJ.  They had initially invited Ms. Graham Cracker to read to the kids for National Read Across America Day, but then retracted the invitation when it was deemed "inappropriate."  jb and I were disappointed to hear she had been disinvited, but thrilled at the opportunity to bring our kids to see her perform.

We weren't the only ones - the Christ Church Neighborhood House was packed with other parents who thought their kids would enjoy watching a drag queen read stories and sing songs.  And we were right. The kids (and adults) had a blast.  Martha captivated them from the first moment and had them singing, dancing and giggling throughout the show.  It was delightful.  It was silly.  It was campy.  It was musical.  It was drag cabaret.  And the kids, loved it.   

The line to get into the theater

A packed house awaits

The stage is set

A welcome from the hosts

Ms. Martha Graham Cracker takes the stage

Riveted two year old

Martha reads aloud

A song with Johnny Showcase

This was the first drag performance that our kids have attended - it was not the first for either jb or me.  Have we been to performances that were raunchy?  Sure.  I blush at the mere memory of some of the shows we've been to.  Were we worried that today's show would be inappropriate for our kids?  Not at all.  Drag is not inherently obscene any more so than movies are all rated R.  Artists perform for their audience.  We got our kids John Lithgow's children's CD - and they love it.  Does that mean I would let them watch his depiction of a serial killer on Dexter?  No.  That's ridiculous.  We also wouldn't take them to a bar to watch an 11 PM drag show geared towards adults.  Taking them to see a drag queen read kids' books and sing kids' songs?  Of course!

Gender performance is many things.  It's complex.  It's political.  It's subversive.  It was enough for me to write many a mediocre analysis on as a Women's Studies major during my collegiate years.  Most kids aren't really going to tap into these layers, though.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not against kids examining the politics of gender through satire and parody - I just think it's more likely that they will simply enjoy a vibrant show by a dynamic performer.  Because, after all, gender performance is also pretty simple.  It's fun.  It's absurd.  It's entertaining.

It sounds to me like drag shows and kids go together like rama-lama-ding-dong.

Here is a tiny sampling of what the show offered - including a snippet of Martha's AMAZING jazzy Green Eggs and Ham rendition:



Sad you missed out?  Want to see more shows like this?  Well, you can check her out at the Philadelphia Museum of Art on May 3rd at 5 pm.  This will also be a family friendly show!  Hope to see you there!

Martha's Lament

Have you been following the Martha Graham Cracker story? Basically, a supervisor at Haddonfield Child Care in New Jersey invited Martha, a well known Philly drag performer, to read a Dr. Seuss book to a group of 5-11 year olds in honor of National Read Across America America. So cool, right?

Well, unfortunately, someone complained - calling it inappropriate - and despite some efforts to defend the event, the childcare facility buckled to pressure and the event was cancelled. Major bummer.

The good news is that their loss is our gain.  In response to the controversy, Christ Church Neighborhood House invited Ms. Graham Cracker to read Dr. Suess to kids this Sunday. She will read a book, sing some songs, and generally be fabulous. So if you have kids, you live in the Philly area and you aren't all uptight about gender performance - bring 'em out to Christ Church this Sunday at 2 pm.

How much fun does this sound like!?!

Note: It looks like it will be quite a crowd, and fire codes must be respected, so be prepared for the possibility that not everyone is guaranteed entrance.

Guerrilla Queer Playdate

Remember Guerrilla Queer Bar?  In the early 2000's there was a movement where hundreds of LGBT people (I may have been among them a few times) would descend upon a random bar and make it queer for one night.  It was a phenomenon that was happening in cities across the country and it was quite popular among young queer people.  It was fun - not at all aggressive.  We arrived, spent our money, mingled and danced.  We interacted with the usual (usually non-queer) clientele and answered many "What's going on tonight?" type questions.  We were usually met with interest and bemused surprise.  Much like a dancing flash mob - I guess we were a sort of dancing flashmob.

The motivation was simple - wanting to get out and check out new places without losing the comfort, safety and (not least of all) flirting opportunities of being amongst other queer people.  There were several LGBT bars in my area - and they were fantastic, but there was a whole city full of bars to explore.  Guerrilla Queer Bar was an easy way to get out there without having to be the token queer.

It had been years since I thought about those guerrilla bar outings - heck, it's been years since I set foot in a bar of any kind.  But this past Saturday, as I sat playing with my two year old and his baby sister at a popular playspace I had a sense of deja vu.  You see, I was there with a group of LGBT parents - and at a certain point I think we may have outnumbered the non-queer parents.  I'm used to be being the only lesbian at the playground/baby gym/music class/story time - and it felt unfamiliar to be in the majority.

Our group holds events regularly at kid-friendly places around the city - and yes, a dozen or more LGBT families show up at a family-oriented attraction.  Last month we attended an event at the aquarium, in warmer weather we've visited the zoo, and each year we have an event at a local waterpark.  The goal is not to "take-over" it's just to gather and let our kids play.  The parents get to talk about queer parenting (or not, we just as often talk about sleep, poop, or any other universal parenting topic) and the kids get to interact with other families that reflect their own.  No big gay agenda - and yet, there we were, being unintentionally subversive.

As I looked around at my fellow queer parents, no one was doing anything particularly radical.  A pair of fathers were engaged in a rousing game of peek-a-boo.  A baba built a block tower with a toddler.  A mother was spooning puree into a baby's mouth.  I did spy a parent using a plastic corn on the cob as a pretend telephone - that was perhaps crossing over into radical territory.

Our playdate was so mundane, and yet, it was quietly revolutionary.  Simply existing as a queer parent is so often tacit activism.  Just being present in the world.  Perhaps crossing out mother/father on a form when it doesn't apply.  Answering (sometimes intrusive) questions about the creation and make-up of our family for the millionth time with a patient smile.  Gently explaining we are both the parents when someone is struggling to piece things together.

I won't lie, living in a teachable moment can cause poster parent fatigue - and that's one reason it's so nice to get together with other parents that understand that.  Of course, I'm all too aware that the burden isn't mine alone - kids are much more aware than we realize, and they too, pick up on the subtle cues pointing out we are different, perhaps even unwelcome in some circumstances.  These guerrilla playdates are an opportunity for them, too, to let down their guard.  Hopefully seeing a playground full of families like their own will instill a sense of normalcy that might otherwise be difficult to assure them of.  My toddler revolutionary has enough on his plate.

Sticks And Stones #WordsCanHurt

Growing up I was sometimes on the receiving end of hurtful words.  I was teased for speaking Spanish, wearing the wrong shoes, and packing my lunch.  When I was older some of peers seemed to have figured out (even before I fully did) that I was different and words like "dyke" were launched at me.  Those words stuck with me.

I also found myself on the other side of hurtled insults.  I'm not proud of it, but I did find myself caught up in the social dynamics of middle school and I said things I regret.  Those words have stuck with me, too.  Even with a heartfelt apology, you can't take back words that caused someone pain.  

Now, as a parent I know that Leo and Zoe will most likely face situations where name calling and bullying are present.  Will they be the ones being bullied?  Will they participate in the name-calling?  In these early years of their lives I hope we are laying a good foundation so that when those situations present themselves they make good choices.  They choose not to call others names.  They choose to stand up for those being attacked.  They choose to tell an adult when bullying happens.  

GLSEN (The Gay, Lesbian, & Straight Education Network) has named this week No Name Calling Week.  It's a week aimed at ending name-calling of all kinds and providing schools with the tools and inspiration to launch an on-going dialogue about ways to eliminate bullying in their communities.  There are free resources available for download on their website.

Do you have school age kids?  Ask their school if they are participating.  Maybe print out some of the resources to share with them.  Leo and Zoe have a few years before they begin school - but seeing so many schools participate really makes me hopeful that bullying will not be ignored in our schools any longer.  I like the message behind this program because it's pro-active.  We could stop bullying before it happens if we can pass on the lesson it's based on: think before you speak.

Feliz Dia De Los Votos!

Today is the big day!  Make sure you get out the polls, vote and then come home, get comfy and watch those results roll in.  Let's hope they bring good news and prove all that hard work (did I mention that jb knocked on 257 doors yesterday!?!?) paid off.  

You may have noticed that I've been posting more than usual lately.  I'm participating in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) and it's kicking my butt!  I'm not convinced I'm going to make it all the way to the end of the month without missing a day, but it already has given me a nudge to post some things I've been putting off and some things I probably wouldn't have otherwise.  So already a successful exercise.



I'm also THRILLED to share that I've signed on as a contributing editor at the newly re-vamped, re-launched LesbianFamily.com.  I'll be posting over there on Fridays, so be sure and check it out.  Even better, jump in and get involved!

• If you have a queer (or ally) family blog, list it HERE.
• If you want to submit a post, you can do that HERE.  (Cross posts welcome!)
• If you want to thank our first sponsor with your $$, check them out at Mabel's Labels.

We've got high hopes for what we can accomplish as far as building and fostering our Queer family community -but we can't do it without you, so please do stop on by. 

You Are Gonna Vote, Right?

I imagine it's pretty clear that I will be voting on Tuesday.  It should also be obvious that I will be casting my ballot for Barack Obama.  In fact, I will be voting the straight democratic ticket, as I usually do.

Sometimes it's difficult to care about a lot of issues - to have intersecting identities and be part of different communities that may find themselves at odds from time to time.  LGBT issues, immigration reform, schools and education, healthcare, the right to organize, women's rights, a living wage, , preserving peace...  There are so many things to care about.  So many issues and causes fighting for attention, funding, and action.

For this presidential election though, my choice is easy: I am SURE that Obama will make better decisions about ALL of these issues that Romney would. EVERY SINGLE ISSUE that is important to me: Obama is on the right side. I will cast my vote with confidence.  

I imagine that if you read this blog you are a winning combination of someone who is open-minded, smart, and cares about my family.  I don't need to join the chorus of phone calls, door-knocks, ads, and mailings reminding you to vote - or who to vote for.  But just in case - just in case it slipped your mind.  Just in case you were wondering where I stood.  Just in case you are interested in my opinion of what you should do.  I'm voting for Barack Obama this Tuesday and I hope you will, too.  

In 80 Days We Decide

Eighty days 'til election day - and it's a big one.  Do you know who you are voting for?  What issues are most important to you?  I'm not a single issue voter.  There are a wide range of issues I care about. The different facets of my identity impact my perspective on these issues.  I'm a Latina (and the daughter of an immigrant), I'm a lesbian, I'm a mother, I'm a 5th generation union member, I'm a woman, and I'm invested in my local community.

Review: Newborn and Family Photography From Dainty Hippo

Hand-in-Hand

About a week after Zoe was born we had an at-home photo shoot with Lindsay, the owner of Dainty Hippo Design.  I've actually known Lindsay for years, we met through online support boards when we were trying to conceive our now toddlers.  Still, we had never actually met in person until the day of the photo session.  We'd been meaning to meet-up since I moved to the Philadelphia area but never made it happen.  I knew she had a photography and graphic design business so when we were shopping around for a photographer to do a newborn and family session she was the first person I thought of.  Supporting a local lesbian/woman owned small business while working with someone I know I like and feel comfortable with?  Yes, please.

Happy Pride!

Today Leo, jb and I rode on the Philadelphia Family Pride trolley in the Pride Parade.  Leo had a blast waving, throwing candy and taking in all the sights and sounds.  I must say, riding a trolley is the way to do the parade with kids.  You've got a place to sit, shade, and you don't have to walk the entire route.

As we rode the trolley and watched the crowds go by (young couples making out, groups of friends brunching, outrageous outfits) I thought about how my experience of Pride has evolved over the last fifteen years.

Don't You Know What Causes That? *Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge*

I'm at the stage in pregnancy where I am obviously pregnant (read: large and swollen) and visibly uncomfortable.  Add to that the rambunctious toddler I always have in tow and I have gotten a lot of sympathetic looks and comments.

(Sidenote: I've also gotten a couple impatient honks because apparently I wasn't moving my pregnant butt and my two year old across the crosswalk quickly enough even though I have the right of way - Philly drivers, you are the woooooorst.)

Mostly comments have been along the lines of, "You sure are going to have your hands full!" or "Hope that little guy is a good helper!"  I usually just nod and smile.

Did I Forget To Mention...

I'm participating in the Love Makes a Family blog carnival and the theme this time is "Secrets".

I feel like there is a secret that I don't ever mean to have - but I sometimes inadvertently keep.  When I'm one of 10-20 moms chasing after a toddler at the playground (or a music class or in the pediatrician's waiting room) and I'm dressed in jeans and t-shirt with comfortable walking shoes and my hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail.  I'm everymom.  I look a lot like most of my peers.  (Ok, maybe some are thinner or better dressed - but I usually fit right in in the "mom crowd".)  I blend in and can slip into the common small-talk we so often connect over - napping, eating, pottying.  The thing is, unless it's a familiar group that I'm regularly friendly with - until it comes up, no one knows I'm a lesbian. 

Raising a Toddler in a Gendered World

Perhaps our family thinks about gender and gender roles more than the average family (but not quite as much as some of the neo-con family groups that seem to be obsessed with it).

We didn't find out Leo's sex while I was pregnant for several reasons including that we hoped it would cut down on some of the gender focus.  And it did, and we were lucky enough to receive a lot of lovely gender neutral gifts which allowed us to keep some of the gender noise out of our house (as well as allowing for a sibling or friend to inherit regardless of sex).  Now that Leo is earth-side and learning to navigate the world, we are still trying to limit stringent boy/girl messages.

One Parent's Disaster is Another Baby's Best Day EVER

We were supposed to go camping this past weekend.  I'd been looking forward to this camping trip for months.  It was going to be Leo's first tent camping trip (we'd done a cabin trip last year).  The trip had been organized by Philadelphia Family Pride and we'd be joined by a whole bunch of other LGBT families - one of which would be our good friends R and C and their daughter (and Leo's BFF) E.  I imagined him getting such a kick out of sleeping in the tent.  Loving the campfire.  Being so excited to wake to find E in the next tent over.  It was going to be awesome.

My No Good Very Bad Day

Today was one of those days where nothing seems to go right.  It started off ok.  Leo and I had a lovely breakfast together, pee and poo in the potty, nice playtime, and he went down for his nap without a fight.  I got him up with just enough time to get ready and go to his doctor's appointment.  This is when things began to unravel.

1.  As we were leaving I noticed the dog had thrown up.  Ew.  Poor puppy.  No time to clean it up.  She seems ok.  Out the door.  No biggie.

2.  I get distracted making "chugachugachugachuga - toot toot" train noises with Leo and miss our stop on the subway.  Need to switch directions, back track - and now hustle because my perfectly timed commute is messed up.  Eh.  Poo happens.

True Story: What's In A Name?

So when Leo was still just a little sea monkey floating around in my belly jb and I did what so many parents do when they are expecting a little bundle of joy: talked about potential names to exhaustion.  We had a list for boy names and list for girl names.  We weighed each one on popularity, meaning, ease of translation/pronunciation in Spanish, how it sounded paired with our last names, how it sounded in a happy/angry voice, potential (nice and not-so-nice) nicknames, and just plain old how it felt rolling off our tongues. 

Known Donor

This post was originally a guest post over at Uppercase Woman.

When my partner, jb, and I set out to start a family we considered three options as a spermless couple.  First, adoption, which we looked at seriously, but ultimately chose not to pursue since I wanted very much to experience pregnancy and childbirth.

Second, we considered buying sperm from a sperm bank.  We actually did this.  A lot.  We tried to get pregnant using an anonymous donor for two years – which was emotionally and financially draining.  After two years of infertility we had no more savings, no baby, and very little hope.

Wissahickon Hike

On Saturday jb, Leo and I joined Philadelphia Family Pride for a Spring hike in the Wissahickon Valley.  The weather was perfect - sunny and not too hot after a week of rain and wind.

Leo had a blast riding on his dad's shoulders, in the Ergo, and even walking (with assistance) a little.  He was super aware of all the animals we saw - horses, dogs, goslings, and he even found some earthworms wiggling in the dirt.